Ok readers, it has been a while since I last made a post. One of my sons was in ICU for a while but things are back to what I call normal. Something has been bothering me tho, its been bothering me for the past 33 yrs really. This post will be rather personal and emotional, please don't take my feelings and emotions lightly, for this is my own type of self contained therapy. I don't give a dayum what anybody thinks of me. But I need to get this off my chest, so I can move past it and maybe just maybe finally heal.
Every since I could remember the person I got my maternal DNA from has never been very maternal. I was raised by my grandmother. I'm about to be 33 yrs old and I can not tell you when I have ever felt love or affection from this person. When was the last time I got a hug or and I love you, your guess is as good as mines. Now that person has been there for me financially throughout my life somewhat. I went through alot as a child and now it's beginning to make sense why I am the way I am. I never got I'm proud of you for being on the honor roll or any type of praise for any of my many accolades throughout school and there were many.
Do you have any type of idea how that affects a child? I was always seeking her love and attention and never once received it. I used to cry myself to sleep because I wanted my mother to love me and I couldn't understand why she didn't. But my granny always loved me and I could feel it no matter where I was. When I started having children of my own, I decided right then and there my children would always know I love them and I would express affection towards them, just so they could never doubt my love for them. And I did and still do, sometimes they are just like "moma enuf already". Now dont get me wrong I took my mothers treatment towards me in stride, it made me very strong and independent on myself and nobody else. I was always with my kids and no matter what I was going thru, they were always with me.
You could say me and my kids grew up together. And even though I knew how to give love to my children it still hurt inside that I didn't have that. You might ask where is this all coming from all of a sudden, well because usually when I am hurting and need a shoulder to cry on or vent about my DNA donor, I have my granny there to give me a pep talk and reinforce my values and send me on about my merry way, but she is gone. And to be honest it makes it hurt worse than ever now. There is more but I don't know if I should get that personal with the "unknown" viewing public at this very moment.
