Ok readers, it has been a while since I last made a post. One of my sons was in ICU for a while but things are back to what I call normal. Something has been bothering me tho, its been bothering me for the past 33 yrs really. This post will be rather personal and emotional, please don't take my feelings and emotions lightly, for this is my own type of self contained therapy. I don't give a dayum what anybody thinks of me. But I need to get this off my chest, so I can move past it and maybe just maybe finally heal.
Every since I could remember the person I got my maternal DNA from has never been very maternal. I was raised by my grandmother. I'm about to be 33 yrs old and I can not tell you when I have ever felt love or affection from this person. When was the last time I got a hug or and I love you, your guess is as good as mines. Now that person has been there for me financially throughout my life somewhat. I went through alot as a child and now it's beginning to make sense why I am the way I am. I never got I'm proud of you for being on the honor roll or any type of praise for any of my many accolades throughout school and there were many.
Do you have any type of idea how that affects a child? I was always seeking her love and attention and never once received it. I used to cry myself to sleep because I wanted my mother to love me and I couldn't understand why she didn't. But my granny always loved me and I could feel it no matter where I was. When I started having children of my own, I decided right then and there my children would always know I love them and I would express affection towards them, just so they could never doubt my love for them. And I did and still do, sometimes they are just like "moma enuf already". Now dont get me wrong I took my mothers treatment towards me in stride, it made me very strong and independent on myself and nobody else. I was always with my kids and no matter what I was going thru, they were always with me.
You could say me and my kids grew up together. And even though I knew how to give love to my children it still hurt inside that I didn't have that. You might ask where is this all coming from all of a sudden, well because usually when I am hurting and need a shoulder to cry on or vent about my DNA donor, I have my granny there to give me a pep talk and reinforce my values and send me on about my merry way, but she is gone. And to be honest it makes it hurt worse than ever now. There is more but I don't know if I should get that personal with the "unknown" viewing public at this very moment.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
This is disturbing and sad
This that you will see below is an article and news video featuring one of my play brothers. I have no biological brothers but many play brothers due to all I hung around was guys and I looked at them like brothers. I really didnt want to post this because it is so personal and disturbing, but Imma hood journalist so fuck it.
The most sad part about this Ive known 60 for the past 10 yrs almost. he has stayed at my house numerous occasions but here lately, he was no longer welcome, he wasnt even allowed in my car. It was something about the look in his eyes and his whole demeanor, I told him he was tripolar and he needed help and I was gonna slip him some seroquel just to calm him down. He has slept around unprotected all his life just recently some big gurls in the apts nearby was fighting over him. I dont even think he knew he was HIV+.
UNIVERSITY PARK, Texas - University Park police arrested a man after a violent carjacking attempt.
Police said on Sunday evening 30-year-old Marco Wesley waked into the middle of Lover’s Lane and stopped traffic.
When a woman driving an SUV wouldn’t open her door for him, Wesley jumped on the hood of the vehicle and smashed through the windshield with his bare hands, widening the hole with his feet.
He tried to force the woman out. She got tangled up in her seat belt and was dragged a short distance. Witnesses helped to free her just before the vehicle crashed into parked cars and a tree, police said.
Wesley tried to flee the scene, but officers arrested him at gunpoint in a nearby driveway.
He now faces charges for aggravated robbery.
The victim was taken to a nearby hospital and treated for minor injuries.The most sad part about this Ive known 60 for the past 10 yrs almost. he has stayed at my house numerous occasions but here lately, he was no longer welcome, he wasnt even allowed in my car. It was something about the look in his eyes and his whole demeanor, I told him he was tripolar and he needed help and I was gonna slip him some seroquel just to calm him down. He has slept around unprotected all his life just recently some big gurls in the apts nearby was fighting over him. I dont even think he knew he was HIV+.
Crazee day I had yesterday
Yesterday was crazee from start to fricking finish. I got up extra early and everybody knows I hate that. But since Im having some "difficulties" I had to go to Dallas MetroCare and be reevaluated and get them to sign a paper verifying I was there and complying w/ my treatment plan. Don't ask, thats another post all in its self, but it involves people who have been requested to be left out of my blogs so, Im gonna be quiet on that there. Well I had to do a walk in appt cuz I needed to see the business office because Ive been slippin thru there and getting right back out lately. So I really wasnt looking forward to this allllllllllllllllllllllll day process. Things started out good til I got bored which didnt take very long, maybe an hr after I got there, I wanted a cigarette. Nasty lil habit that I had for many yrs and finally quit last yr. But I was bored and I had nothing to do with my hands and occupy them. At MetroCare its like pure entertainment all day long , because us client/ patients are all fucking nutts.
I was talking to this lady and she had her 2 lil granddaughters with her and we were just making conversation but her 3 yr old grandbaby just kept staring at me. I like aggravating kids so I kept making mean and funny faces back at her. Later they called my name and i went to the back for what I call phase 1. Few minutes later Im back in the waiting area and the 3 yr old runs up and grabs my hand and wants me to sit with her. So me and the 3 yr old we get to talking , I talk to kids like they lil miniature adults I think it makes them feel mature. I buy us some M&M's and we share except for the blue ones (those were mines only). I still had a cigarette on my mind tho.
You meet all types of characters at MetroCare and I'm one of them. Im known as the blue boots lady and yes my grown ass has been put in timeout at a clinic, they sat me in a chair in the back hallway all by myself. My doc saw me sitting there and just shook her head. But today I was on my best behavior mostly because this lil 3 yr old was keeping me company. You will not ever see me post any pix of happenings there even tho I really wanna just video record one of my visits up there.
This guy he's a client but today he doesnt have an appt. He walks in with his very dirty clothes on and his house shoes that look like he has gauze wrapped around them. He sets down to this lady in all red and asks her for a quarter, she ripped this dude a new asshole. He then gets up and shouts " you dont know if i have a gun or not, thats whats wrong with people these days. I might be ready to shoot you ." And he storms out.
Then there is the white guy and his dog, rather ugly looking dog but its his dog none the less and he doesnt bark or snap at anybody. Lil kids are outside rubbing him and what not. When the dude is inside taking care of business he ties him up to the gate. Along come a group of the most trashy ghetto loud big gurls I have ever seen. One chick starts just aggravating clients as they coming in and out the doors. She made this one fragile white lady bust out in tears. Then they get to messing with the man and his dog, he calls 911, I laughed. So I finally buy a cigarette from a guy outside and im just chilling lowkey hoping they gonna try and aggravate me. They never even look my way tho. One girl is yelling imma real bipolar bitch ill whoop yo ass, im crazy and and blah blah blah. This lady is trying to get out of her car w/ a walker and this bitch knocked her down and rushed into the building. Thats when DeAnn showed up and nobody likes it or is safe when DeAnn shows up. I just started talking to whoever heard me about all the lil disrespectful bitches out here walking the streets thinking they cool cuz they crazy. Some of them really need to be institutionalized cuz just cuz you crazy dont mean you dont have manners nor respect for others. I was livid because why are you rushing to get in the building and you finna hafta wait a few hrs to be seen anyway.
Then I turn my focus on this group of dumb ass heffas, im like you dont hafta tell nobody your bipolar they will know it from ya actions. And bipolar is nothing that you ask to be, nobody wants to be bipolar but you learn to accept it and deal with it. O you wanna take all these drugs that have you doped up walking around like zombies do ya? You want ppl all in ya business because you bipolar and wanting to know how you function day to day? O you think its cool to hang up here in front of the MetroCare, like this the after hrs or the club huh? Im like which one of you is a patient here? Nobody said nothing, I straight up told em first of all this is a place of business, you don't loiter in front of it. Second of all ya'll keep fucking with these clients when they coming in and out ya'll bound to get a crazee mf for real who is gonna fuck you up w/ no remorse. Is that what you really want? They looked at me like they were thinking bout talking shyt but they didn't. I went back inside for I felt school was out for the day.
Dude with the house shoes wrapped in gauze comes back in. he is asking for a solid dollar this time. He then jumps on the phone and starts talking loud as hell about the dopeman being busy and he's gonna hafta find a new connect. Then he's like "what do you mean you out of dope what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" I was rolling. Then he says "I gotta go here comes the FEDS and the CIA" and he runs out.
to be continued after a short intermission
Ok now its getting late in the day I still havent seen a caseworker nor the therapist yet, so when she comes to the door calling names i ask her when might she think she's gonna see me. This bitch had a stank attitude with me so I just yelled out "since you a doctor you cant afford a better wig". Then I went to the front desk and tell them they gonna hafta reschedule me cuz I not only didnt wanna be evaluated by her but I had other things to do which was true. I wanted my old doctor back anyway. So I get rescheduled and I go on about my day.
I was talking to this lady and she had her 2 lil granddaughters with her and we were just making conversation but her 3 yr old grandbaby just kept staring at me. I like aggravating kids so I kept making mean and funny faces back at her. Later they called my name and i went to the back for what I call phase 1. Few minutes later Im back in the waiting area and the 3 yr old runs up and grabs my hand and wants me to sit with her. So me and the 3 yr old we get to talking , I talk to kids like they lil miniature adults I think it makes them feel mature. I buy us some M&M's and we share except for the blue ones (those were mines only). I still had a cigarette on my mind tho.
You meet all types of characters at MetroCare and I'm one of them. Im known as the blue boots lady and yes my grown ass has been put in timeout at a clinic, they sat me in a chair in the back hallway all by myself. My doc saw me sitting there and just shook her head. But today I was on my best behavior mostly because this lil 3 yr old was keeping me company. You will not ever see me post any pix of happenings there even tho I really wanna just video record one of my visits up there.
This guy he's a client but today he doesnt have an appt. He walks in with his very dirty clothes on and his house shoes that look like he has gauze wrapped around them. He sets down to this lady in all red and asks her for a quarter, she ripped this dude a new asshole. He then gets up and shouts " you dont know if i have a gun or not, thats whats wrong with people these days. I might be ready to shoot you ." And he storms out.
Then there is the white guy and his dog, rather ugly looking dog but its his dog none the less and he doesnt bark or snap at anybody. Lil kids are outside rubbing him and what not. When the dude is inside taking care of business he ties him up to the gate. Along come a group of the most trashy ghetto loud big gurls I have ever seen. One chick starts just aggravating clients as they coming in and out the doors. She made this one fragile white lady bust out in tears. Then they get to messing with the man and his dog, he calls 911, I laughed. So I finally buy a cigarette from a guy outside and im just chilling lowkey hoping they gonna try and aggravate me. They never even look my way tho. One girl is yelling imma real bipolar bitch ill whoop yo ass, im crazy and and blah blah blah. This lady is trying to get out of her car w/ a walker and this bitch knocked her down and rushed into the building. Thats when DeAnn showed up and nobody likes it or is safe when DeAnn shows up. I just started talking to whoever heard me about all the lil disrespectful bitches out here walking the streets thinking they cool cuz they crazy. Some of them really need to be institutionalized cuz just cuz you crazy dont mean you dont have manners nor respect for others. I was livid because why are you rushing to get in the building and you finna hafta wait a few hrs to be seen anyway.
Then I turn my focus on this group of dumb ass heffas, im like you dont hafta tell nobody your bipolar they will know it from ya actions. And bipolar is nothing that you ask to be, nobody wants to be bipolar but you learn to accept it and deal with it. O you wanna take all these drugs that have you doped up walking around like zombies do ya? You want ppl all in ya business because you bipolar and wanting to know how you function day to day? O you think its cool to hang up here in front of the MetroCare, like this the after hrs or the club huh? Im like which one of you is a patient here? Nobody said nothing, I straight up told em first of all this is a place of business, you don't loiter in front of it. Second of all ya'll keep fucking with these clients when they coming in and out ya'll bound to get a crazee mf for real who is gonna fuck you up w/ no remorse. Is that what you really want? They looked at me like they were thinking bout talking shyt but they didn't. I went back inside for I felt school was out for the day.
Dude with the house shoes wrapped in gauze comes back in. he is asking for a solid dollar this time. He then jumps on the phone and starts talking loud as hell about the dopeman being busy and he's gonna hafta find a new connect. Then he's like "what do you mean you out of dope what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" I was rolling. Then he says "I gotta go here comes the FEDS and the CIA" and he runs out.
to be continued after a short intermission
Ok now its getting late in the day I still havent seen a caseworker nor the therapist yet, so when she comes to the door calling names i ask her when might she think she's gonna see me. This bitch had a stank attitude with me so I just yelled out "since you a doctor you cant afford a better wig". Then I went to the front desk and tell them they gonna hafta reschedule me cuz I not only didnt wanna be evaluated by her but I had other things to do which was true. I wanted my old doctor back anyway. So I get rescheduled and I go on about my day.
Monday, July 19, 2010
My Broken Heart My Inner Joy
This is my granny who pretty much raised me and also my closest friend. She had 9 biological children of her own that she raised, numerous step children, she was married 4 different times and out lived each and every last one of them. My granny was a G. She also raised foster children and was dorm mom at TVCC in Athens. Shawn Kemp was one of her "kids" when he was there. We always called her Muh. Others called her Sis Gleen or Ms Roxie. My granny was a faithful servant of the Lord and was very loving and giving, she didnt care about net worth or none of that, all she wanted you to know was that God loves you. She loved unconditionally, to be perfectly honest I felt more love from her than the lady who birthed me and that lady lived in MY house off and on for yrs.
Every since I can remember my granny has always told it, just like it is, and thats how I am now. No use in sugarcoating the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil. She was somewhat of a minister never ordained or anything but she knew the word of God and wanted to make sure you knew as well. One of my fondest memories was of us bout 12 deep in a lil burnt orange Pinto station wagon, going to sunday school. My granny was very affectionate and you could feel her love thru letters, cards , devotionals, from afar or right at home on the phone. I was not the best child or teenager growing up but she never stopped loving me, even when I didnt much love myself. Once I became a mother she taught me how to not only love myself but how to love my children to where they knew love and how to express it. How to make sure my children always knew I loved them, no matter what we might be going through. How to build friendships and relationships with others and most importantly how to mature my relationship with God. We all knew not to call her at 9pm on Thursdays cuz her Law and order was on and you might just get cussed out. It used to be Perry Mason and Matlock but once Law and Order began , it was a wrap.
We used to go to church almost everyday out the week and I hated it. And we lived directly behind the church. But she never once faltered on getting God's message across. Back in March I noticed I had not received a call or any mail from my granny for a while, so I had to investigate. She had fallen and hurt herself and was rehabbing to get her strength back up. My granny had just stopped working regularly at 82 yrs old. She didnt know the meaning of the word quit. One of my aunts was supposed to stay with her and help her out and make sure she was ok. That is not what happened. My granny ended up with pneumonia and went into the hospital for a while. Then my "mother" the lifelong LVN steps in demanding to see charts and trying to pretty tell the hospital staff what they should be doing. Pretty much embarrassing my granny in front of her friends and church family she has known for the last 30 yrs. So my granny goes home and again my aunt is supposed to take care of her, she is weak cant move around on her own and cant wipe her own butt.
Now medicaid paid my aunt to be my granny's nurse aid or wtf ever its called. You know what she did tho , she took my granny's car and brought her ass to Dallas and left my granny all alone. She said she wasnt wiping my granny's ass and she wasnt going to bathe her neither. My granny had a stroke while she was left all alone by herself and by the time anybody went to check on her, her speech and body was slumped on the right side. So back into the hospital she went. Again that lady who calls herself my mother takes her rolly polly ass down there and starts to try and run shyt, making all types of accusations against the hospital staff even called in a complaint to the state board. These ppl have been knowing my granny for 30 yrs she was closer to then than her own children. They genuinely loved her as did I. My granny ran away. I know it sounds like WTF, how does an 82 yr old woman run away. She called my youngest aunt and she went and got her and hid her here in Dallas.
One of the things my granny has always been adamant about was that I needed to cut my moma loose, get her out my house, because she didn't love me like I loved her and as sad as it is , thats been the story of my life. Easter sunday I was in the hospital with my 1 kidney about to fail and I came to a decision. All that stress needed to be removed out of my life for I have children who loved me and I needed to be there for. Now me and my baby aunt have always been close, closer than me and that "lady". She kept me updated on my granny and her rehabilitation but we didnt tell the rest of the family, because Muh didnt want anybody to know. It was funny to watch everybody act concerned and try and find her, then the drama began. That "lady" tracked my granny down using her professional connections which is a direct violation of her hipaa rights , but I would have a hard time proving it, except the email which she finally came out and admitted what she did.
Finally my granny was like it's ok, she's feeling better her spirit was fine , let everybody know where she was. They still tried to run this nursing staff, but Dallas is different than East Tx. Then all of a sudden her social security check was not deposited in her acct as scheduled, when my aunt called they said the check had been mailed, we were like WTF, she has been gettin DD for over 20 yrs. She sat my other aunt (who was supposed to be caring for her) and that "lady" down and asked where her check was. My aunt never spoke, but that "lady" kept saying no one had her check and she would have to prove it was cashed. My granny told both of them somebody was going to jail for taking her check and she meant it , this was June 7th. She called me and asked for my advice, and I advised they need to go to jail and call the police. My baby aunt figured since the theft happened in Athens to call Athens police , they weren't trying to assist, but Im like no, she's living in Dallas now as has been for a few weeks now, call the non emergency number. And dayummit DPD came to the hospital where she was and filed out her report on June 10th 2010. She told the officers who took her report she no longer wanted to be here knowing her daughters were stealing from her and that my aunt had to be stopped. At the stroke of midnight she died in her sleep and my life as I know it has never been the same. We did finally get to the bottom of her stolen social security check but that will be in another post on another day.
Every since I can remember my granny has always told it, just like it is, and thats how I am now. No use in sugarcoating the truth. Tell the truth and shame the devil. She was somewhat of a minister never ordained or anything but she knew the word of God and wanted to make sure you knew as well. One of my fondest memories was of us bout 12 deep in a lil burnt orange Pinto station wagon, going to sunday school. My granny was very affectionate and you could feel her love thru letters, cards , devotionals, from afar or right at home on the phone. I was not the best child or teenager growing up but she never stopped loving me, even when I didnt much love myself. Once I became a mother she taught me how to not only love myself but how to love my children to where they knew love and how to express it. How to make sure my children always knew I loved them, no matter what we might be going through. How to build friendships and relationships with others and most importantly how to mature my relationship with God. We all knew not to call her at 9pm on Thursdays cuz her Law and order was on and you might just get cussed out. It used to be Perry Mason and Matlock but once Law and Order began , it was a wrap.
We used to go to church almost everyday out the week and I hated it. And we lived directly behind the church. But she never once faltered on getting God's message across. Back in March I noticed I had not received a call or any mail from my granny for a while, so I had to investigate. She had fallen and hurt herself and was rehabbing to get her strength back up. My granny had just stopped working regularly at 82 yrs old. She didnt know the meaning of the word quit. One of my aunts was supposed to stay with her and help her out and make sure she was ok. That is not what happened. My granny ended up with pneumonia and went into the hospital for a while. Then my "mother" the lifelong LVN steps in demanding to see charts and trying to pretty tell the hospital staff what they should be doing. Pretty much embarrassing my granny in front of her friends and church family she has known for the last 30 yrs. So my granny goes home and again my aunt is supposed to take care of her, she is weak cant move around on her own and cant wipe her own butt.
Now medicaid paid my aunt to be my granny's nurse aid or wtf ever its called. You know what she did tho , she took my granny's car and brought her ass to Dallas and left my granny all alone. She said she wasnt wiping my granny's ass and she wasnt going to bathe her neither. My granny had a stroke while she was left all alone by herself and by the time anybody went to check on her, her speech and body was slumped on the right side. So back into the hospital she went. Again that lady who calls herself my mother takes her rolly polly ass down there and starts to try and run shyt, making all types of accusations against the hospital staff even called in a complaint to the state board. These ppl have been knowing my granny for 30 yrs she was closer to then than her own children. They genuinely loved her as did I. My granny ran away. I know it sounds like WTF, how does an 82 yr old woman run away. She called my youngest aunt and she went and got her and hid her here in Dallas.
One of the things my granny has always been adamant about was that I needed to cut my moma loose, get her out my house, because she didn't love me like I loved her and as sad as it is , thats been the story of my life. Easter sunday I was in the hospital with my 1 kidney about to fail and I came to a decision. All that stress needed to be removed out of my life for I have children who loved me and I needed to be there for. Now me and my baby aunt have always been close, closer than me and that "lady". She kept me updated on my granny and her rehabilitation but we didnt tell the rest of the family, because Muh didnt want anybody to know. It was funny to watch everybody act concerned and try and find her, then the drama began. That "lady" tracked my granny down using her professional connections which is a direct violation of her hipaa rights , but I would have a hard time proving it, except the email which she finally came out and admitted what she did.
Finally my granny was like it's ok, she's feeling better her spirit was fine , let everybody know where she was. They still tried to run this nursing staff, but Dallas is different than East Tx. Then all of a sudden her social security check was not deposited in her acct as scheduled, when my aunt called they said the check had been mailed, we were like WTF, she has been gettin DD for over 20 yrs. She sat my other aunt (who was supposed to be caring for her) and that "lady" down and asked where her check was. My aunt never spoke, but that "lady" kept saying no one had her check and she would have to prove it was cashed. My granny told both of them somebody was going to jail for taking her check and she meant it , this was June 7th. She called me and asked for my advice, and I advised they need to go to jail and call the police. My baby aunt figured since the theft happened in Athens to call Athens police , they weren't trying to assist, but Im like no, she's living in Dallas now as has been for a few weeks now, call the non emergency number. And dayummit DPD came to the hospital where she was and filed out her report on June 10th 2010. She told the officers who took her report she no longer wanted to be here knowing her daughters were stealing from her and that my aunt had to be stopped. At the stroke of midnight she died in her sleep and my life as I know it has never been the same. We did finally get to the bottom of her stolen social security check but that will be in another post on another day.
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